Archive for May, 2004

How to be a bad father

May 20th, 2004 2 comments

A week ago Tuesday, Cassidy wanted to talk to her Daddy who had not called her since their last get together over a month ago, …while they were talking, Cassidy’s Dad Troy asked “How much do of my $550 monthly child support (plus almost $3000 back due) do I have to pay to get you to drive half-way so I can see my daughter?”. While I understand what he wanted to know, this was the worst way he could have asked that question. Anna told him she’d need to speak with me since it involved us both. SHe and I spoke anda agreed the minimum would be his normal $300 plus $50 for gas (since prices are currently around $2.49 per gallon). She called Troy back the next day (Wednesday), and he agreed to the $350, so, they setup the time of 5pm to meet at the half-way point (30 miles south on Interstate five from Route 152).

Friday 5/14: Anna shows up at 4:45pm (early) to get Cassidy to Troy. Troy’s Mother, Billie, shows up, with a cashier’s check for $300, as it wasn’t her that wrote it or agreed to it, we didn’t take that up with her.

Sunday Morning 5/16: Anna call’s Mary’s cell phone (the only non business contact phone we have for Troy) to make arragements to meet them to get Cassidy back. We agree upon 5pm that evening at the same half-way point. During the call, Troy’s gf Mary gives Anna a hard time about various things, which of course, are news to Mary and Troy since they aren’t involved in Cassidy’s life but once a month or so, maybe less.., it was inappropriate…. Since Anna doesn’t feel comfortable, she doesn’t bring up the $50 deficciency. Since Mary was a complete asshole, I call her back, and request that she bring the missing $50, to which she asks Troy how much he agreed to, he of course says only $50, mary echoes this to me, to which I respond simply…

“FIne, since you are going to play games like this, we are no longer going to transport Cassidy to make sure you get to see her, goodbye (click) (as, as the law states, this is not our responsibility, only that we make her available).

Sunday 4:50pm 5/16: So, we show up around 4:50, and go sit on the grass, waiting for Troy/Mary to show up. As soon as Troy shows up, he immediately gets out of the car, not waiting for Mary, or Mary to get Cassidy out of the car, and makes a B-Line for me, walking fast with an agressive stance, he yells something to Anna as he gets close, and comes to me, well within my space, and proceeds to yell to me about how he only agreed to $300, he also claimed that we weren’t taking care of Cassidy’s health, and that she had a yeast infection. I tried to assert something, but he interrupted me within half a second of me trying to takl to him.

When this had started going on (troy, b-line, Troy yelling at me), Anna quickly grabbed Cassidy from Mary, and while she was bringing her to the car, Cassidy tearing-up/crying, Cassidy asks Anna “Why is my Daddy yelling at Ben?” (nice one Dad, you POS)

When he finally paused, I asserted “You wanna talk about Cassidy’s? Health? Okay, lets talk about how when she came back to us last time from, from being at your ‘car show’, why she was Sunburned.., how you were so busy paying attention to your show car and talking to OTHER people who were not your daughter that you didn’t keep her covered with sun tan lotion, at how we brought her to the hospital because she was dehyrated and complaining about lower back pain (kidneys, we have paperwork from Camino Medical Center)…, things that REALLY happened (he paused, wasn’t sure what to make of it, then starting yelling about other stuff, but I was done), I started to walk toward Anna’s Car (Anna/Cassidy were already inside), I wasn’t going to sit there while this went on any longer, to which he yelled “You WILL drive her down here…”. I ignored him, as I said, I was done, I won’t be treated like that from Troy the child, part of me wishes he would have thrown a punch so the restraining order would go in place, and that would be the last time we’d ever have to deal with him.

So, we drove home, going first to Camino Medical Center to check Troy’s claim that Cassidy had a Yeast Infection. We felt quite silly, knowing full well that Troy lies, but went anyway to cover our ass, and make sure Cassidy was okay. The docter laughed at us as she had a bug bite on her lower stomache near her private parts.

What’s worse, Troy listened to what other ‘rumor mill startin’ assholes’ (see Also: Billie his Mom) told him, and even worse, didn’t bring her to the doctor while she was in his care, nice on Dad (he doesn’t deserve that title)).

Anyway, Troy? I dub you, “Word’s Worst Father”, and no, I won’t be driving…, not til your wages are being garnished, and even then, only meeting at Courthouses, California Highway Patrol offices, and Police Departments…, you’re screwed pal…you really fucked up…, you mouthed off to the wrong guy.., You didn’t even say goodbye to your daughter Asshole, let alone the fact that you were too busy yelling at me to notice the impact you were having on your maluable daughter’s mind (sigh/shaking head)

So, as we were driving away, Cassidy asked me, as her tears were starting to dry up, “Ben? Why was my Daddy yelling at you?”, to which I replied “Your Daddy loves you, but he doesn’t love me or your Mom.” She sat, thinking for a minute, then replied with “When you yell at someone you should apoligize.” (that’s right Cassidy, that’s what you should do)

By the way, Sadly this marks the first time that Cassidy wasn’t crying as we drove away from her Dad. SHe wasn’t upset to be leaving him, only hurt and confused at why her Daddy was yelling at someone that she loved (Me). After I told her why he was yelling at me, she begain to cheer up, and we made her laugh (what caring adults should do for kids who are hurt by their fathers).

Well, I had to write about that stuff, and I did it.

Categories: Cassidys Dad Troy Tags:

Patience and Time

May 20th, 2004 1 comment

It took a very bleak moment in my life to help me to be able to work through a harder moment in my life, who would have guessed, maybe I just needed to out my feelings, to get the fury out.., ..but it seems that it has helped.

We’re trying counseling, and things are happening…, generally Anna is starting to be more concerned about staying on top of her responsibilities, it’s a thing in motion, but I can see progress, it is starting to happen…, which is what I need to able to work through this. Seeing her caring about doing what she says she’s going to do is building trust back, …and that’s important. Seeing her doing these things is allowing me to change my perspective on our relationship and its future, so…, with time, perhaps things will right themselves…, for now I’ll just hold onto the railing, keep my vision true…, and take one day at a time (Anna’s taking Zoloft helps/helped too:wink:).

I also hadn’t realized that Anna really hadn’t separated herself from her Mother, which is something that our counselor made us aware of. ..sounds like Anna was aware of it on some levels, but the counseler made her aware how not dealing with that would negatively affect her other intimate relationships, even presently. That was one I really just wasn’t aware of.

He’s a really cool counseler, and I’m pretty critical of those kinds of things. He even pushed me to not make Troy my problem (Anna’s Ex), and to let/make Anna deal with it (which is something she and I have been working towards, more about Troy in another post soon). He analogized a train-car decoupling from the rest of the train.., I told him It’d be a slow decoupling…, but the more I Think about it, it may not be as slow as I first imagined…, just scary for Anna, but she can do it, It’ll be easier once several other things have changed, but those also are in the works…, time will tell…

Categories: Anna Tags:


May 8th, 2004 1 comment

Life can be difficult, more difficult I think than even the human senses can detect. Anna was unfaithful to me back around August of 2003, lied about it passionately, and only when proof surfaced back around the beginning of March this year (2004, did I know for sure that my worst fears were true. The problem this presents me is that this is something I believe strongly against, to the extent that I told Anna when we first started dating that if she ever wanted to break up with me, this was the one thing that would make me want to give it all up and throw in the towel. I do not accept any reason for cheating, there is no excuse, there is no justifiable reason to ever do such a thing, at least none that end up keeping the original two people together.

So, now I have the largest confusion I think I’ve ever felt in my life. I Love Anna, and before this happened, I had been thinking of our future together, seeing the unbridled possibilities. But now, so many things remind me of what she’s done, commercials on the TV, someone referenceing infidelity, …, and I don’t know what to do.

I told Anna I would go to counseling to see if there was a way to change my view on 1)her cheating and 2)our future, because even now, I sit here wondering if I’ll ever be able to trust her again.

I try, but nothing makes it feel better.

My head hurts.

Perhaps if I can accept this quote…

“Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.”
H. L. Mencken (1880 – 1956)

Categories: Anna Tags:

BMW owners get a bad rap

May 8th, 2004 No comments

On the way back from Bimmerfest on Rt.1 just past Ragged Point (mile marker 743 I believe), I had one of those moments where the world goes in slow motion (even though you’re well in your power band).

Rt.1 100 miles south of Seaside, CA
5/2/04 – 4:15pm

I had just come around a nice tight corner, and I heard this noise that sounded a bit unpleasant from my engine bay. A moment later I noticed my power steering was gone, so I Radio’d the caravan that I’d lost power steering. Just then the Battery problem light came on, and a moment later, I noticed the coolant temp. was starting to rise (and I don’t ever like to see that needle moving), I immediately pulled over and shut it down (even though we were on a two-lane twisty road with no real shoulder). I looked under the car for fluids… nothing. Then popped the hood, nothing (no secondary signs of leaks/fluids.

With the help of the NorCal Carvan folks, and without starting the car (it was hot) we did a three-point turnout (with no power steering), and rolled it down several hundred feet to the first turn off down the road.

After some looking and poking under the hood, we found the problem. It appears that the Accessory Belt (Water Pump, Alternator,…) broke. At first we were excited, Martin (white E36 M3 with Carbon fiber hood, white/black) had a spare belt. However, when my belt broke, it looks like it slammed into the Tensioner pulley and only 2 of the original four ribs on the pulley were still visible (belts spin fast). So, sadly, my car’s day was done.

Keith gave me a ride a half mile up the road to call box 743, I followed directions, thinking they could call a tow truck for me. Well, nobody ever picked up ….ever… (I tried 3 times), wonderful…

Ragged Point – The Forgotten getaway
5/2/04 – 4:45pm

So, we drove down the way to Ragged Point where there was a restaraunt, awesome view, gas station, gift store, and general services (well, with the exception of cell service) where Keith selflessly volunteered to use his AAA Plus card to call a tow truck, which they said would be in there in about two hours (7pm ish). We found an awesome couples hotel right there that has jacuzi/fireplace rooms overlooking the cliffside into the ocean, we’ll be going back there for sure.

So, at this point, the rest of the folks that had been hanging out to help (Martin, Susan, and Dave I believe) finally headed home as well, while Keith, myself, and Carl (I believe) stayed behind with me to wait for the flat bed.

Damn that M3’s Quiet!
5/2/04 – 5:45pm

So, thinking ahead, Keith recommended we roll the car all the way down to the Ragged Point parking lot, thinking it’d be easier to load the car on the flat bed. It was currently sitting up on the pull-out on the hill, quite precarious. But there were a few gotchas…it was mostly down hill, with one exception, I had no power brakes, so, errors were not going to fly (well, my car might have flown down the cliff, but that’s different), and no power-steering (not too shabby), so, we coasted it until the up hill part, I let it coast just about as far as it was going to, keith recommended to fire it up (so, I did that, just enough to get it up the hill), and coasted the rest of the way down right into the parking lot (good Thinking Keith!). Then we just relaxed and tried to stay warm (marine layer was moving in). We saw an absolutly stunning sunset.

Wayne gets his groove on
5/2/04 – 8:30pm

The flat-bed rolls into Ragged point and sets up to put the car up on the bed. Wayne (driver) is an awesome guy. He knew not to hook up to the lower control arms in the rear, we used the rear trailing arms, and off we went to Seaside. Keith was concerned that he’d be going slow, but… (hehehe), Wayne has been driving that section of route1 for years. I swear I saw him drift some of those corners with the flat-bed (well, maybe not, but it was damned impressive).

The highlight/horror happened when I saw him pass two cars (Mustang, bmw 5 series) in the oncoming traffic lane at night around a tight corner. All of our jaws dropped. Some might have been angry, but honestly? He was liable, so, what did I really have to lose We made really good time.

At one point, when Wayne was well ahead of us (yes, he was way ahead of us), he pulled over, and we eventually caught up, and as he walked up to Keith’s car he said…

“Ya know…if ya can’t keep up I’ll hook ya up to my T-Bar and tow yah?”
(We died laughing)

BMW Dealership in Seaside, CA
5/2/04 – 10:30pm

We rolled into Seaside and Wayne brought is right into “My BMW and Porsche” (an auto-mall with BMW Dealer Service). This was as far as we could go reasonably on the AAA card. I put the keys in the drop box with instructions, and we headed out via 156 east over to 101 North, finally making it to San Jose around midnight.

So, in closing…

A special thanks to everyone that helped, every little bit was awesome. Truly, this is what it’s all about, it really felt like a BMW Family, and sitting here thinking about it I know I’m a very fortunate person to have found the likes of all of you (Northern California BMW guys).

Please forgive me if I get your name wrong..

Keith, Carl, Dave, Martin, Susan, Greg, Greg’s son (hope your head’s okay), Alan, and everyone else.

I’m a lucky guy. Thank you all.

Also a special thank you to Anna, my girlfriend, who drove me back down to Seaside this last Thursday to get my car, and sat around reading magazines while I BS’d with the shop guys. I love you honey.

One more thing….
…When you think things are bad, just remember, they could be worse. The company was top-notch, the weather warm and sunny, the view spectacular…and tomorrow showed up, just as I thought it would

Status – 5/6/04 – 6:00pm Thursday
quote from My BMW was $1300, hell no, ordered parts from bimmerparts ($136 overnighted), labor out the door from Monterey Bay Motor Works was $269, total of $400 (vs My BMW’s $1300), car’s home now, and noticably happier to be so.

Categories: Bens M3 Tags: