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Fear is the mind-killer.

February 9th, 2009 Leave a comment Go to comments

I don’t know that I have ever been more anxious than I am right now.

Last Quarter, my company did layoffs the day before our company meeting.  Wednesday marks the date of the next company meeting.  SO, if the company follows suit, tomorrow could conceivably mark the next round of layoffs (should they be deemed necessary).

I’m nervous because the work I do is not automated (unlike most of the other kinds of data my department creates).  So, when Joe Bean Counter comes along, and looks at pieces of data created, I will be at the bottom of the list.  And knowing how my company works, that scares the shit out of me.

We just bought a house back in July of 2008.  I know we won’t be able to hold out very long if I can’t find work quickly.

What can I do?  update the resume?  and if it comes to pass, what next?  I understand the state of the economy, and that most companies will be looking to downsize (not hire).  So, that would put me looking for a job with many other tech folks, something i haven’t thought about in quite some time.

I just don’t like this feeling :(

I need to recall my core, ..how I think about things when the chips are down, I know better than this, that if it comes to pass, there will be a reason, and my karma will guide me to something good, maybe something better, and there will be a good reason, and the result will be perfect.  I just find it more and more difficult to remind myself when I see the the things so close to me, ..like my ability to see past the now is reduced, …or maybe I”ve just forgotten and need to remind myself strongly (Matt did attempt to kick my ass at work today, maybe that was it? the kick I needed? (sigh)  …I can hear myself TALKING to myself.. be positive, ..and it will be so, make the best of it, no matter what comes.  I just need to listen.

When we were figuring finances to buy our house, you try to make the best calculations you can, to make sure you’ll have enough money left over each month to do fun things, or to save.  However, we haven’t minded our plan, have eaten out too much (our biggest fault), and as a result of that and cutting it too close to begin with, find ourselves with no ‘fun’ money fairly regularly.  Granted, we haven’t adjusted my income at work for the new numbers (since taxes should be greatly affected), but it’s still enough to stress me out.

My track car sits on the trailer, broken.  And I don’t see any coming hope of getting it fixed (10k?), let alone track days ($500/pop with hotel/food/gas/etc).  That was one my one (large) comfort that I afforded myself, which looks lost and hopeless.  God, I listen to msyelf talk, who is this guy?  Why am I so forelorn? (sigh)  But, this is the conversation I have with myself whenever I think about all of this, ….gone are the days of speed at the racetrack, and here, I have this house..this big expenditure that needs constant tending and care.  I can’t help myself, I constantly wonder, was the house a mistake?  Was this house just too expensive for our finances?

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